The "True Story" of the Wilderness Experience (Matthew 4:1-11)

By T.H.E. Devil

Judge:
Mr. T. Devil we have read and have been taught the testimony of the defendant Mr. Matthew. You claim that in his book named Matthew, that in the fourth chapter verses 1-11, he has slandered you and has caused defamation of your character.

You have appealed once before and the defendant was found not guilty. Today your are acting as your own attorney, having fired your last one, and are exercising your right to a second appeal. Do you have any new evidence?

Satan:
No, your honor but I have decided to take the stand and testify on my own behalf.. My former counsel would not allow me to take the stand and I wanted to save any embarrassment upon Mr. J. Christ because of his prominent position in society However, I feel the truth must be told if I am to be vindicated and my name cleared.

Judge:
Please proceed.

Satan:
Thank you your honor: Here is what really happened in the wilderness that fateful day.

One day in question I decided to take a walk in the wilderness. Much to my surprise, Jesus was there! I was so glad to see Him. (We used to be in Heaven together, but I had to leave heaven pretty quickly due to a misunderstanding, so I wanted to say Hello to my old buddy.

However when I got close enough to him to speak I realized how bad and weak he looked. Actually I discovered that he hadn't had anything to eat for forty days. He fallen upon some bad luck and so had no money for food.

I felt so sorry for him. I hated to see him so hungry and would have given him some of my bologna sandwich, I was eating, but didn't have enough for him and me.

But as I begin to look around there were a lot of stones lying around and knowing of his tremendous powers I suggested that he turn some of the stones into bread so he could eat. "After all," I said to him, "You are the son of God. Turning those stones into bread would be easy for you."

"You're right!" he said but then he stopped and looking longingly at my sandwich he said. "Got anymore bologna?" When I said, "No." He snatched my lunch sack away from me and looked through the contents. I was shocked but believed that he was desperately hungry and was becoming irrational. When he didn't find any more bologna in my sack he looked at the sandwich in my hand would have taken the bologna right out of it I hadn't held onto it tightly. He threw my sack on the ground when he found there was no more bologna in it and angrily, said to me, "Man does not live by bread alone!"

Hummph! I started to walk away right then but thought he might be a little delirious from being in the wilderness so long. So I decided to give him another chance and forget his rude behavior.

I thought it would be fun to take a walk into the holy city and go up on the pinnacle of the temple (Jesus always did like high places) When we got up there we started telling "put down" jokes and teasing each other. Then laughingly, Jesus dared me to jump off the building. I looked at him and said, "Uh-uh man. Why don't you jump off the building? You know the angels will come and catch you before you fall. Come on, you got so much "so called power" Jump!, Jump.!"

I was about to pat him on the back and double over laughing when he said, "Are you trying to tempt me? You know I'm representing my daddy down here and if you tempt me you are tempting him. I'm going to tell my daddy you were teasing and tempting me. And this time Hešll kick you out of Hell and you won't have anywhere to go. Well--maybe the bottomless pit."

I stopped laughing. my feelings were hurt but I was sooo lonely (I really don't have many friends) I thought I'd give him one more chance.

So we beamed over to one of my favorite mountains. It was beautiful. We could see all of the nations of the world and all the riches that the world had to offer. As I looked at all of the riches that I, controlled. I had a wonderful idea. I would give Jesus a job!

I looked over at Jesus and felt sorry for him. He was hungry. It had been forty days since he had eaten. (I didn't know how much longer he could live that way) He didn't seem to have any clothing, or money. He had no place to sleep. Even the birds and animals have places to sleep. But my old adver--I mean friend--who said he was the son of God had nothing. So I offered him a job.

I wanted to be tactful because I knew he was a proud man. I started out by pointing to all of the worldly riches and pleasures that I had. Then I told him about a job opening I had for a good man. The salary for him would be anything and as much as he desired of the things and riches I had shown him.

I explained the job responsibilities and the skill requirements. It was an easy job. It required no prior training, nor prior experience. All of the training would take place "on-the-job."

Actually, to be truthful, I just made up the job right then because I felt so sorry for my old friend. He needed and I wanted him to have a job to earn money to take care of himself. His job title would be Chief Worshipper. He would be the president of the Satan Worshipper Department in my organization.

All his job required of him was to worship me. Just get down on his knees, kiss my feet, and tell me how much he loved me, assist me, extol, honor and adore me. You know be kind of my personal assistant - my adjutant.

I was feeling good about this. Here was an opportunity to help my friend be all that he could be by working in MY organization. The job was simple. He already knew how to worship he had seen true worship many times in Heaven. The job was perfect for Him.

I was truly moved by the bigness of my own heart. I was being so giving and benevolent, so willing to help my friend. I expected a big thank you and a hug for such a magnanimous "gift" I was on the verge of tears as I thought of my goodness and the appreciation I would receive from my friend. I waited in anticipation as Jesus just looked at me emotionless.

Obviously he was too touched to respond. I closed my eyes (to make sure I would be able to savor the moment when Jesus hugged me.) and I reached out my arms to initiate the hug I knew was coming. Then I heard something I did not expect--I opened my eyes to find Jesus double over in laughter. I was horrified!

Every time he looked at me he laughed. He tried to speak but he couldn't stop laughing. tears were rolling down his cheeks he was laughing so hard. Finally he managed to say "You want me to worship you, and you will pay me with what is already mine?" He laughed again. "You must be crazy! Me worship you?"

Then suddenly he stopped laughing. His face grew angry and he shouted so loud I almost fell over "Get Away from Me!!!" He must have kind of lost "it" because the words he spoke and the way he said them frightened me so much I ran away from him as fast as I could.

He must have had a sword hidden under his robe for when I was running from him I felt as if I was being cut and slashed by a two-edged sword. as He quoted the word of God, saying "Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." It felt as if every word was mortally wounding me. Sadly, that was the end of our friendship!

After I had ran to "safe distance" I dared to look behind me. I saw that he had been joined by his angel friends. They were all fussing over him, helping him, comforting him, and pampering him. I couldn't see it all but I knew they were feeding him, too. I think it was a bologna sandwich.

I could tell they were laughing at me, and they probably made up the story you read in Matthew 4:1-11, right then and there!

Now that's my story of what happened in the wilderness. Now that you know this story from my point of view, I hope you can see how I was misunderstood and have been misrepresented as a liar, thief, deceiver, and an egomaniac all of these years.

The bible says that I am a deceiver. Does this sound like the story of a deceiver? I'm called a thief? What did I try to steal in this story? I'm certainly not an egomaniac someone that loves and thinks only of themselves. If I was an egomaniac, would I have made Jesus such a wonderful unselfish offer? The bible also says I'm a liar and the father of lies? Well I ask you does this testimony sound like lies to you? There you have it "The True Story of the Wilderness Experience by T.H E. Devil.

Who do you believe me or Jesus?